123ArticleOnline Logo
Welcome to 123ArticleOnline.com!
ALL >> Food,-Cooking-and-Drink >> View Article

4 Steps To Assertive Communication

Profile Picture
By Author: Lorraine Carol
Total Articles: 5
Comment this article
Facebook ShareTwitter ShareGoogle+ ShareTwitter Share

Dr. Fiore, my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, once again my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too exhausted; what should I do?
Why not tell them how you feel? I asked.

Because I don't want to hurt their feelings - I always feel guilty if I don't do what is expected of me.

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary's dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards ...
... another, it's like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It's based on using I messages (as opposed to you or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won't offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should - or should not - do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Step 1: I feel Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: I feel overwhelmed, angry, hurt, etc.

Step 2: When What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: When the family expects me to do this every year, When it is assumed I will do it, etc.

Step 3: Because How does the behavior affect you? Examples: I feel pressured to do something I really can't do this year, and It makes me feel taken advantage of.

Step 4: I need This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. I need has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: I need for the dinner to be rotated among the family. If everyone will bring a dish, I'll cook the ham, and I need my sisters to come early and help with the setup.

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger - which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn't work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don't immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Dr. Tony Fiore is The Anger Coach. New anger resources are now available Anger Management for the 21st Century: The 8 tools of Anger Control print and ebook,bonuses www.stopyouranger.com. Chëck our Anger in the News blog and comment at: www.angernews.com.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved. Dr. Tony Fiore is The Anger Coach. New anger resources are now available Anger Management for the 21st Century: The 8 tools of Anger Control print and ebook,bonuses www.stopyouranger.com. Chëck our Anger in the News blog and comment at: www.angernews.com. 2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.

Total Views: 133Word Count: 769See All articles From Author

Add Comment

Food, Cooking and Drink Articles

1. Top Supplier For Quality Spices In The Usa – Legacy Dive Exim
Author: Prince

2. Spin 120 Black: A Flame Whirl For Your Home
Author: Coba Grill HK

3. Mango Pancake Mix: A Tropical Delight For Your Breakfast Table
Author: shaimaglobosoft

4. Delicious Low Carb Meals: A Gateway To Healthier Living
Author: shaimaglobosoft

5. Mastering Corporate Event Planning: Strategies For Unforgettable Professional Gatherings
Author: Good + Bar

6. Live Pasta, Bbq, And Food Station Catering For Weddings & Events - Binge Story
Author: Prince

7. How To Prepare Beef Hor Fun ?
Author: Coba Grill HK

8. Why Spit Roast Catering Is Perfect For Intimate Dinner Parties
Author: Mario Sazos

9. Cozy Corners And Aromatic Brews: Exploring Doha’s Top Cafés
Author: priyanka

10. Indulge In Atlantic Grill: A Culinary Voyage Through New York’s Vibrant Tapestry
Author: atlantics grill

11. Navigating New York Restaurant Reservations: Atlantic Grill At Its Best
Author: atlantics grill

12. Atlantic Grill: A Premier Culinary Destination For Seafood Lovers
Author: atlantics grill

13. Savor The Authentic Taste Of The Best Veg Pickles In Hyderabad
Author: Diya

14. Leading Modified Starch Manufacturers In India: Bluecraft Agro’s Excellence In Specialty Starches
Author: Bluecraft Agro

15. The Ultimate Guide To Traditional Indian Pickles: Flavors, Benefits, And Recipes
Author: Ncui Haat

Login To Account
Login Email:
Password:
Forgot Password?
New User?
Sign Up Newsletter
Email Address: