Buying A New Car: Is It For You?

By Author: Aaron Spetner
Total Articles: 14
Comment this article

Car buying is full of fact and fiction. This article may not help, but at least you'll laugh about it.
Note: Aaron Spetner is neither an automobile salesman, nor a professional attorney, and can therefore be trusted with (but not held accountable for) any advice he may appear to be giving in this column. For the past few weeks now, I have been looking to buy a car. Buying a car is not an easy task. It is not like, for example, grocery shopping, where you just walk through the store with a shopping list given to you by whomever conned you into going shopping. No, car shopping is different, for several reasons. Firstly, you have no list when you go car shopping; you just know you want a car. Secondly, when you walk into a car dealership, you are greeted by a salesman who will let you test-drive different vehicles. When you go grocery shopping, you cannot taste all the avocados until you find one that you like. At least not where I shop - they get mad. Also, you do not usually see used food for sale - that is disgusting. In my long search for a suitable automobile, I have employed the knowledge of several friends. ...
... After speaking to all of them several times, I started to finally begin to grasp a very basic knowledge of automobiles (the first thing I learned was that nobody calls them automobiles anymore). I learned that besides figuring out the manufacturer and model of the car you want, you must also select a style. Car styles are extremely descriptive, usually looking something like LI or CX or DPX iE 27FE (this last one is obviously very nice, judging by the lowercase letter i). Once you decided which set of letters will look best next to the model name on the back of your car, you must also figure out whether you want a 4-door (sedan) , a 2-door (coupe), or a 7-door (croule` du be` tomre` or in English, croule` of the be` tomre`). When you have all this figured out, you are ready to call a dealer. In order to find out as much information as possible over the phone, I suggest that you call no less than two dealerships, and speak to at least one of each of the following types of salesmen. The first type of person is a foreigner, whom you must ask to repeat every third sentence. This is helpful, because no matter what he says, you are inclined to call the second guy. This guy will most likely be (if you called the same people I did) a fast talking, reassuring type of fellow, who will never let you be wrong, yet he will still blatantly contradict you. After speaking to these salesmen, and hearing what type of prices they are offering, you will most likely discover that the right car for you is a stolen one. You see, stealing a car costs considerably less than making one, thereby leaving more room for markup, yet still keeping a much lower retail price. The drawback is, you can't just walk into a dealership and exclaim, I'd like to buy a stolen car. No, you must whisper it into the ear of the manager who will then politely exclaim that he sincerely hopes you are joking, and if not, he will have you arrested. You see, that's another thing about stolen vehicles - they are pretty illegal. You don't want to just walk around informing strangers of your criminal objectives. Now before you get turned off from buying a stolen vehicle, let me explain some of the benefits of such action. First of all, you will not be involved in as many accidents. The reason for this is, if you are involved in an accident, you will probably be caught and arrested for possession of a stolen vehicle. Such knowledge will make you into a safer and better driver. Second, you will not have to spring for car insurance, simply because stolen vehicles cannot be easily insured. You are probably wondering, Wow, Aaron! You have really balanced the scale. How do I decide whether or not to get a stolen car? Well, that really all depends. You see, if you really are wondering this, you have a brain made out of cheesecake, and should probably not be allowed near any car of any type. Any normal person who is reading this will tell you that buying a stolen car is the only way to go. So go ahead, steal a car. Or, if you are scared, buy a stolen one. But do not support those filthy, greedy, businessmen who want to sell cars the legal way. If you do, you are just giving in to anarchy. About the Author Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.