Brent Riggs - Dealing With Bad Family

By Author: Brent Riggs
Total Articles: 22
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A reader sent in this question: There is an angry and immature person who is part of my extended family. Not only is this person hateful and argumentative, he has spread dangerous lies about my family. Specifically, he says that my husband has done something inappropriate. There is no truth to this and the rest of the family knows it, but I'm wondering how to handle this situation, given that the holidays are quickly approaching and we have family events planned. To be honest, I don't want to be around him, nor do I want my family to be around him. Is that an unchristian attitude? Could you please give me some advice?

You have the right to decide who is allowed to be around your family in a private situation in your own setting, i.e. your house, your events, etc.

However, you should not force your personal convictions about another family on OTHER family members outside your home. You have the ability to choose not to attend something at their house or any other house where the person might be present, but you should not tell other people who they can or cannot invite.

In addition, you should not feel the ...
... need to inform the rest of the family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should explain in a non-gossipy, uncritical manner what the situation is. �We are not going to attend due to the situation between us and (the other family member).�

Because of the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, it is important that if you do attend the family function, do not let anyone in your family be alone with that person. Don't give credibility to the accusations. Without evidence or the collaboration of witnesses, it is just talk. Hurtful, but just talk.

Regarding your attitude, it would be unchristian for you to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, you should do what you can for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating and protecting your family.

Your marriage and kids come first as a Christian.

Go to Thanksgiving. Go to the holiday events. Act like everything is fine in the mindset of the public setting. If this family member makes an effort, then reciprocate, BUT BE CAREFUL and discerning. Often people use any sign of reconciliation as a ploy to start things up again.

DO NOT talk to others in your family about the family member in question. This is big temptation you need to stop, or avoid, whichever is the case. There is nothing good about getting everyone on "your side" or spreading around the "news" of this bad behavior under the guise of being "concerned". That would be gossip, plain and simple.

Immature and childish family members can be frustrating, but don't let them have any power over you. YOU decide about the interaction with your family on your turf. At gatherings away from your home, you will have to carefully manage the situation.

Again, don't try to force other family members to side with you. The truth is obvious and people can see it. Troublemakers and liars rarely have family members fooled. It would not be fair to ask your other family members to abide by your convictions. Your options are to not attend or to hold an event at your home, without inviting the offending family member.

In a nutshell, my advice to you is this � during any occasion, if you allow the offending family member to visit your home, make sure they understand that there will be no fighting or angry outbursts, or they will be asked to leave. Do not let anyone in your own immediate family be alone with him. Attend the other family gatherings but inform the host (if you feel it is necessary) that you will be forced to leave if he starts an ugly scene.