Be On Your Best Behaviour, Even After Marriage

By Author: James Walsh
Total Articles: 68
Comment this article

The heady mix of physical companionship and the novelty of marriage, intoxicate the couple for a short duration, leading to the unreasonable expectation that this can be sustained in the long run effortlessly. Newly wedded, both the partners are on their best behaviour, as they can't get enough of each other and are extremely careful to avoid hurting each other.

You have that most important office meeting, but your spouse has a romantic dinner in mind. The cancelled dinner results in an uncommunicative and sulking partner for a couple of days. Then the other day, your spouse purchased an expensive piece of footwear (using your credit card), despite having half a dozen pairs in stock and fully knowing that the family finances were precarious for the next 10 days.

Despite whatever good intentions, these actions indirectly convey the message that your spouse does not care enough about the family or about you. It also highlights the forceful nature of the spouse in getting his or her way. The thought that ‘If he doesn't give a damn for my feelings or the situation, why shouldn't I do the same', starts playing ...
... on your mind.

Once the feeling that your spouse is self-centred sets in, politeness jumps out of the window. Irrespective of the genuine reasons for a mistake or in the case of any action viewed as being objectionable, no attempt is made to gently, politely and patiently set the error right. Curt abrupt sentences, sneers and derisive chuckles find expression. The feeling of constantly being judged for every action and the unpleasantness of being harshly commented upon, weigh heavily on the mind.

So sets on a cycle that's tough to get out of. The person dishing out the bad stuff gets increasingly aggressive, while the sufferer gets cowed down and becomes a near nervous wreck, seething with resentment.

With the passage of time, the inability of either partner to reconcile on most matters becomes more affirmed. Tit for tat retaliations, lengthy arguments and loud fights (sometimes bordering on physical violence) are often not confined to the boundaries of the home but also spill over into public view. Contempt rules the roost. Love and laughter that once defined your marriage are sadly non existent.

Having said all of the above, it is still possible to repair a marriage and set it back on track. It will take long for the scars to heal especially if there has been mutual animosity. But never say die and nothing works like working towards a goal. Here's what you should keep in mind:

Set Realistic Goals: A happy marriage is a holistic goal. Achieve it by setting multiple and realistic sub-goals.

We will tolerate each other's religion. We will share equally. We will be nice to each other. These are some simple sub-goals. Schedule the dos and don'ts that both partners will follow and the pitfalls to avoid, for making these sub-goals, a success.

Compliment One Another: Make it a point to compliment and reinforce positive acts of your spouse. Don't focus on that 1% error, instead remind yourself about the 99% error-free strike rate. Patiently guide and correct the 1% error by holding the hand and leading the way, to prevent recurrence of the mistake. With understanding, dawns knowledge, love and respect. Never criticize the person, but only gently criticize the act (that too, only if this criticism is absolutely required) in a positive fashion. Compliments have an uncanny knack of returning to the origin, as a bigger compliment!

Complement Each Other: Synchronize your mind towards common aims. Support each other verbally and in action. Understand the true nature and cause of the disagreement. Work towards a mutually acceptable consensus.

Keep the Romance Alive: Look forward to relaxing in each other's presence. With it, comes a greater love, greater understanding, respect and gentleness. It's good for you and good for the heart.

Learn to Let Go: Forgive and forget. Most criticism and negativity towards certain character traits or acts can be easily tolerated, if the couple adhered to the time tested adage ‘Do unto others as you would want others to do unto you'.

Life is a ballroom dance and you have to be in sync mentally and physically.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk