Being Selfish Or Unselfish - What To Do

By Author: James Walsh
Total Articles: 68
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Now you are happy - you are with your true love but there is just one small nagging question - is it fair on your kids? Is it fair to be selfish and separate your kids from another parent? What to do? Social psychologists state that there are two solutions. The first one is extremely simple and selfish.

Forget it and move on with the true love. Be selfish and don't think about the kids.
Rein in your selfish desires and try to work on your marriage by visiting a professional marriage counsellor.

Experts at social agency, Relate, argue that only 13% of women with children contemplating divorce never do get divorced. Majority of women do get divorced and marry their true love. The reasoning here is logical and true to some extent. These women argue that children benefit more if they come from happier homes - be it two homes of divorced parents. In a nutshell, divorcing your partner does not mean divorcing your kids. Your marriage may end and you may move on in life too, but you move on with your children with you in life. Divorce does not mean that your kids cease to exist. In fact, according to survey results, ...
... more than 50% of children who came from divorced families were academic achievers, good in sports and group activities, had more friends and were more outgoing as compared to only 27% of children who came from unified families. But social psychologists state that one ought to consider many personal and unselfish factors before taking this step.

Know Yourself: Social psychologists feel that the first important step is to know yourself. What is important to you? Is it your marriage or your personal freedom and individualistic aspiration fulfilment? On a scale of one to 10, where do you place your marriage? In other words, what is your priority towards marriage? This introspection is crucial in gauging the focus and direction of an individual's perception. Here, the counsellor usually falls back upon behaviour therapies of hypnosis and personality exercises. Many times, our conscious tries to camouflage our basic ‘Id' impulses which actually trigger individual marital dissatisfaction. Hypnosis simply relaxes the hold of the conscious on ‘Id' allowing our primal individual desires and goals to come to the fore. Coupled with this are personality exercises which indicate the level and extent of Id dominance. Once this is known, it becomes easy for the Individual to know about their intrinsic selves. They are able to identify their personality type and opt for a solution - be it divorce or staying in the marriage.

Know What Your Children Want: A second crucial factor is to know what your kids want and feel. It is just not enough to know yourself and how you are going to behave in the future - you have to be aware of the needs, demands, emotions and expectations of your children. What does your child want? Can he or she be able to deal with the concept of divorce and both parents living apart? Can your child adjust? These are some of the questions which have to be kept in mind before divorcing. It is important to remember that for the child both parents are equally important and loved. The child will always want to see both parents happy and can hide his or her true emotions of sadness and pain from you. The child can sacrifice his or her happiness for the sake of the parent. A child is sensitive by nature and realises instinctively what the parent wants. They will behave and act in accordance with the parents' wishes. But, as a parent, you have to be unselfish. You owe it to your kids to give your faltering marriage one more chance. According to social psychologists, children are bound to carry residue of painful and ugly divorces into their behaviour. Social longitudinal surveys indicate that children, who were part of amicable and mutual consented divorces, usually ran away from home developing abusive personalities. These children feel unwanted as the message conveyed through consented divorces is that both parents want the marriage to end. They are eager to walk out and begin a new life. This could give rise to insecurity and fear among children. In other cases of unconsented divorces, children end up blaming themselves and feeling bitter. They usually develop psychotic disorders coupled with bullying and abusive behaviour.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk