Technological Clodhoppers

By Author: Ed Williams
Total Articles: 42
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I've invented a new term!

Yep, that's right, I've invented a brand new term! Invented it all by myself, too, it popped into my head just a few minutes ago. I don't know if it's quite as good a term as some of the ones Ed Jr. has invented in the past (most of which could not be printed here), but I still think it's a good one. So now, without further ado, here it is:

Technological Clodhopper

That's right, Technological Clodhopper. Just by looking at that you can probably tell that it's a term that should be used to refer to a person, more specifically to a certain type of person. And you'd be one hundred percent right in your assessment, it's a term that does describes a certain type person, so let me offer up a few examples here so that everyone understands just what a Technological Clodhopper is....

Example 1: You're in a big hurry to go somewhere, but you need to stop by your bank in order to get some cash. No problem, you figure, you'll just pull up to the instant cash machine, get a few bills, and be on your way. And you do exactly that, you pull off the main drag into the bank's ...
... parking lot and get in line behind someone. Then you sit there and wait, thinking that this one person in front of you is no big deal. Then you wait, and wait, and wait some more - finally, after about four or five minutes you begin wondering why this person is still using the ATM? You look over towards them and witness one of the following:

1. They're doing nothing but staring at the ATM screen in a very perplexed way.

2. They're typing in numbers like crazy, but no money is coming out of the machine.

3. They have about eighty receipts tucked into one of their hands, which either means they've decided to do about a month's worth of banking all at one time, or, they have no money but figure they can work some kind of magic and will some out of the machine.

Everyone described in 1-3 above qualifies as Technological Clodhoppers.

Example 2: As a patriotic citizen, you always cast your ballot on Election Day. Today, as we all know, the process is computerized and tutorials take you easily through the ballot. You note to yourself while standing in line that casting your vote will take no time, as a mallard duck could complete a computerized ballot in two to three minutes. As you‘re thinking about all that, you note that you haven't moved in the line at all. You then look over at the voting booths and see:

1. An old blue haired lady in one who keeps asking for help.

2. A middle-aged guy moving his head both up and down and back and forth in order to read the screen.

3. A teenager who's more interested in who's standing around her than she is in voting.

4. A middle-aged woman who appears to be reading all the ballot initiatives for the very first time.

All the people described in 1-4 above are Technological Clodhoppers.

Example 3: You're in line at a big discount store waiting to check out. You note the credit/debit card reader that's mounted right up next to the register, and you smile, remembering that a quick swipe and a little key tapping is all you'll need to do in order to purchase your items. Suddenly, you hear the cashier say to her customer, Mam, your library card won't work in this machine, it takes a check or credit card. To this, the customer replies, What's a check card?

The customer described above is both a Technological Clodhopper and a goof.

Y'all now know what Technological Clodhoppers are. If it weren't for TCs, there wouldn't be a need for blood pressure medication, laws against public cursing, beer, or fuzz busters. Most of them are probably good people, but being good doesn't hold much water when it's ten minutes before you have to be at work, and you've already waited twenty on someone who's still trying to figure out how their credit card fits into the slot on the gas pump. Despite that, there is a bright side to all this - if some savvy motel executive ever decides to set up a chain of motels featuring rooms with rabbit eared TVs, stand alone heat radiators, and party line phones, these TC's will make him a very wealthy man...


About the Author Ed's latest book, Rough As A Cob, can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.