How To Do Everything With ...xp

By Author: Theolonius McTavish
Total Articles: 17
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Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH ...XP
--Or, are you sure Windows XP can fly me to the moon and back? --

The world is moving at a break-neck speed these days, so it's no wonder we're impressed as heck with turbo-charged racing cars, bored out of our trees with fast food, and whacked out of our gourds by something called jet lag.

And, since every problem needs a solution including where to find the best beer in town, who insisted on moving my cheese, and why Godot hasn't arrived yet, it's not surprising someone had to write a masterpiece like How to Do Everything with Windows XP.

For residents of planet earth who don't own book let alone a computer, dweebs who haven't got a clue how to operate a laptop, a DVD player, or an iPod for that matter and dingbats who prefer using a pencil and paper - this breathtaking book will regrettably do nothing to improve their lot in life.

It would be nice to think that computer hardware and software is a match made in heaven. But few of us understand the intricate workings of these digital doom machines ...
... that often go belly up from back-door bugs, virulent viruses, and nefarious nuisances called Trojan horses.

So, I'm not inclined to put too much faith in a book or a machine that guarantees my life will be worry-free, painless, and cost less than a visit to the Tooth Fairy-Godfather.

Methinks it's a tad presumptuous on the part of the author to suggest that I can do everything with "Windows-XP". Is there nothing this awesome piece of magic can't do?

I admit I can't pull rabbits out of a hat. But please tell me again how "Windows-XP" will help me do the following list of daily chores that keep me fit as a fiddle, peachy keen, not to mention at one with the universe of all things great and small?

-- Sing saucy songs at the top of my lungs in the shower just to annoy my high-brow, nosey-poking, next-door neighbor.

-- Brush my teeth to remove the grunge (tartar) and make my breath fragrant as all get out (so other living creatures will feel comfortable in my presence).

-- Relieve myself occasionally and conveniently when the spirit moves me.

-- Talk compassionately to my pet rock Godot.

-- Feed my rather sparse-leafed money tree named Kaching.

-- Walk my miniature rottweiler Sir Galahad (and of course pick up after him with those brand-named doggy bags).

-- Meditate on life without monsters, telemarketers, and virtual reality TV shows.

-- Unplug, debottleneck, and take power naps (whichever comes first).

-- Separate recyclables and transport the refuse to designated bins marked paper only, glass, plastic, and everything else but the kitchen sink.

-- Prepare my favorite comfort food, bangers and mash (i.e. well cooked pork and mashed potatoes garnished with gobs of calorie-laden butter and gravy).

My humble advice is stay away from digital devices and books that tell you how easy it is to operate them. Whenever you feel the urge to know more about a dingus or purchase a doodad that does everything, just visit a kindergarten nearby and ask the little tikes how to have fun.

And, as every kid at heart knows, you don't need another bleeping book or the latest bit of bling-bling to know you're alive and how to have fun!!


About the Author Theolonius McTavish, a quirky curmudgeon whose mirthful meanderings include slow food, slow motion, and slow dating in that order of magnitude (provided he's not interrupted by perplexing potshots from the ripsnorting realm of The Quipping Queen -- www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com)