Why We Love Who We Love

By Author: pangsiyan
Total Articles: 130
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Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should

fit together — yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out

why?

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away

from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?

Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most

telling is our "love map" — a group of messages encoded in our brains that

describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color,

in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals

to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map.

And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for

our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.

Researchers find that that there are many similarities between our ideal mates and ...
...

our moms. Yes, our mothers — the first real love of our lives — write a

significant portion of our love map.

When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center

of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are

forever attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even

sense of humor.

The mother has an additional1 influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues

to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about

women in general.

Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers

influence their daughter's general feelings about men.

In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We

hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same

educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these

people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much

like our own.

What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many

ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically3 attractive people, for

example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.

Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in

his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social

similarities. But he also maintained4 that we look for someone with complementary

needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive

personality may seek out a more passive partner.

As Winch observed, it's the balancing out of sociological likenesses and

psychological differences that seems to point the way for the most solid lifelong

romance.

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-

struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique

something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were

reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they

recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.