Lyudmila Konstantinovna, What Are The Main Tasks Of The School Of Foster Parents? Юрий Степанченко

By Author: Юрий Степанченко
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A school of foster parents has been operating in Vladivostok for more than ten years. It was opened on the initiative of the Public Organization “On the Socio-Psychological Support of Families of the Primorsky Territory”. For 2009, this was a real breakthrough - the school was the first and at that time the only organization in the region that helped prepare people for the adoption of an unborn child in their family. To some extent, the creation of this organization was ahead of time - after all, just three years later a federal law was passed, according to which, in order to take a child into his family, he must first undergo special psychological training. Lyudmila Mirgorodskaya, the permanent leader of the Public Organization “On the Socio-Psychological Support of Families of the Primorsky Territory”, spoke about the work of this School, as well as what the service for psychological, pedagogical and social support of foster families does.
- Lyudmila Konstantinovna, what are the main tasks of the School of foster parents?
- The main goal of the School is to prepare people for the adoption of a child in ...
... their family. Before finding a new family member, candidates for foster families must undergo mandatory training in special services of psychological, pedagogical and social support of foster families. Now in Primorye there are twenty such institutions. The public organization for the socio-psychological support of families of the Primorsky Territory was one of the first to think about educating future adoptive dads and mothers. Our organization began its activities in 2006 and was created by foster parents with the support of Yury and Madina Stepanchenko. Then they came to classes voluntarily: someone understood the significance of the decision to take the child from the orphanage and wanted to prepare for the pitfalls, someone on himself wanted to feel the “secret of adoption” and was looking for answers to internal questions, while someone went to solve problems with foster children. There were few such people, but even this small group of conscious citizens was a big breakthrough - there was a very acute problem of overcrowding in children's public institutions, including because of the large percentage of secondary returns.
The fact is that in April 2006 a law was adopted in the region “On the provision of social support measures to foster families in the Primorsky Territory and remuneration to foster parents”. Now, if the family entered into an agreement on the establishment of a foster family and took two, three or more children from the orphanage, then on top of the allowance for each ward, they relied on additional payments for labor. He could not do without a fly in the ointment: while promoting parents to take their children to families, they forgot to say that their daughters and sons would not rush into their arms with a cry of “Mom!” and they certainly won’t behave obediently out of gratitude for giving them a home.
- It turns out that awareness literally hit foster parents on the head during household grinding in with children?
- Exactly. Someone withstood the test of the "not so" behavior of the children and saved the family, while someone eventually returned the child to the institution, causing terrible mental trauma to both. To help cope with the problems, we decided to organize a visiting School of foster parents for guardians from the outback, where access to specialists and information is limited due to remoteness. Noting that interest in classes is also shown by those who are just thinking of taking a child, they launched a pilot service to prepare for this serious step.
- What do you primarily tell candidates in class?
- The fact that raising children is, in principle, not a simple matter, but foster children have many specific points. Sometimes people who have successfully raised their children are more difficult to cope with the wards than childless. The traditional experience is applied to children, to which the parent-child attachment was formed for all family members, and the guys, due to life circumstances falling into the system, develop quite differently and their behavior psychology is different. How should you behave if your child has burst out of bed and fled to another room? Experienced parents will say: in no case run after him, much less persuade him to return, so as not to reinforce his behavior. In a normal situation, I would praise them for such an approach, but you and I are talking about foster children, and in this situation, parents have no other choice but to go after an offended child.
Blood child is absolutely confident in our love, with his cries and tantrums, he may be manipulating us. Foster children do not have such confidence - where is the guarantee that you will not abandon them, as once your parents did? These children will silently, nonverbally ask you: “Do you need me?” Until you dispel their anxieties with tenderness, care and patience. Each parent should be aware of these nuances before reaching out to a single child so that, out of ignorance, they will not make a fatal mistake out of a fateful meeting. It is clear that for a 42-hour program it is impossible to transfer all knowledge about this, but we can completely help people to change their pedagogical views, rethink their own childhood problems and understand the full degree of responsibility for an adopted child.
- And what do they teach at the School of foster parents?
- Training is divided into several blocks - medical, legal. And the most extensive unit is psychological and pedagogical.
We start work with motivation, because the success of a child’s admission to a family depends on the motive - why do parents need it. There are always a lot of motives, and we study, including the pitfalls of motivation. Why do people sometimes send children back to institutions? The main reason that everyone else comes down to is the mismatch of expectations with realities. This is the task of the School of foster parents - to show and discuss all these realities in advance. Of course, preparation is not a panacea for the return of the child. But when in reality the foster family encounters difficulties, everything that we took in the courses starts to work. We also give listeners an understanding of what these children are, how they differ from others. After all, an early separation from parents will naturally affect the development of the child; there are a number of behavioral features. These children can react differently, behave in an unusual way, and it is very important to understand these nuances and reasons. We are talking about how the child’s adaptation proceeds in the family, this is an extremely important stage.
- And what are the difficulties in adapting?
- In this period, anything can be. A child who wants affection and warmth may begin to push people away. He can begin to steal, hide, run away. Any deviation from normal behavior can be associated with adaptation. And it is important for foster parents to understand this and be prepared for much.
- Your work is limited to a course for foster parents or can such families continue to rely on your support and advice?
- Of course, they can always come to us or call to discuss emerging issues. Many do well on their own. But some people continue to contact us. Often ask for advice during the adaptation of the child in the family. For some families, this period is quite difficult, and they can be with us with tight escort. There are situations when we put families on the so-called “hot phone” and allow them to call specialists until late in the evening in case of emergency.
Some foster families turn to us in times of crisis - we are ready to answer questions. We maintain contact with almost everyone.
- Have you noticed that recently the society has paid attention to children with disabilities?
- It is difficult not to notice the questionnaires that disappear from the Data Bank, not only healthy, but also children with disabilities. I remember the first time in my practice a woman came up to me, about to take care of an HIV-contact girl. The baby sunk into the soul of the future adoptive mother very much, but she was able to take her home only after the child was 1.5 years old - the doctors said to wait until the diagnosis was confirmed or removed. A few years later, the same woman took under her wing a little boy with the same disease - a brother of his adopted daughter. Ten years ago, such stories were considered out of the ordinary.
Many of these children live in my “wards” families, the quality and duration of their life is on par with children without a status with proper care. How, in fact, is an HIV-positive child different from a healthy one? Only by strict administration of pills at the same time. The rest are golden children who, due to constant antiviral therapy, rarely have viral colds. For those who want to take special children with HIV, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, etc., we hold individual meetings with a therapist.
- How large is the foster parents school team? Who works for you? Is it financially burdensome?
- There are three of us. Two psychologists and a psychotherapist. Sometimes we attract a lawyer. Fortunately, many events help us organize the representatives of the coastal business. So, the businessman-builder Yury Stepanchenko, in addition to being one of the founders of our Public Organization, he provided us with free office space, helps with the organization of annual balls for adoptive parents and their children, which we spend at the Versailles Hotel . At this large event, more than a hundred people gather - our employees, adoptive mothers with dads and their children. Our team thoroughly approaches the ball - we ourselves come up with a festive program, draw up a menu and buy gifts for our little guests. This event is also a kind of escort of foster parents. We see, how children grow up, how relationships develop in families, we answer questions from parents in an informal, almost family setting. If we feel tension in the eyes of our parents, we are sure to offer them our help and invite them to our house for tea.
In general, without the support of the business, it would be very difficult to carry out, for example, a new charity program “Outside Summer School”. Parents and children from all over Primorye are invited for five days to the recreation center, and each family lives in a separate house for four people, on the seashore. Judging by the reviews of families, our idea allowed them not only to get acquainted and exchange experiences with other foster parents, but also to “patronize” their family relationships with the help of our specialists, parents and children receive qualified psychological and pedagogical assistance. And, most importantly, the goal of the project is successfully achieved - the prevention of secondary failures and emotional burnout of adoptive parents.
- With what motivation do people most often decide to take someone else's child under their wing?
- In fact, there is no one specific motive. It happens like this - “fell in love”, an accidental meeting, and a person begins to understand that he cannot leave this particular child in an orphanage. Neither age, gender, appearance, nor even the child’s health can affect this decision. It’s so simple, it doesn’t matter what you did before - you lay with your bloody child in the hospital, went to the orphanage for work, walked in the park, took the daughter from the children’s camp, there will be one outcome - you suddenly met your child, who’s terrible life mistake lives in an orphanage. “I looked into his eyes and realized that I can’t live without him,” adoptive parents tell me about such stories.
There is still motivation - who, if not me. These people consciously take on the mission to help find themselves in this life for children whom they definitely won’t take to families: the deeply disabled, correctional children with mental retardation, older adolescents, “children’s families” of four people, etc.
In general, parents have a lot of motivations, but they all have one thing in common - a sincere desire to give warmth, a family, to educate and not to repeat the mistakes of biological parents.
- Lyudmila Konstantinovna, what can you advise to people who are thinking about taking a child, but have not yet made a concrete decision?
- Firstly, read about it on the Internet or in specialized books - to diversify the available information. And, of course, you can come to the School of foster parents. Coming to School does not oblige you to become an adoptive parent. Often in groups there are people who have not made a decision and are not sure that they will accept it. They want to listen to information and work on themselves. Often, potential adoptive parents or guardians do not realize the full measure of responsibility that falls on them, do not understand what problems they will encounter when raising adoptive children. And the result is fear, panic and, as an extreme case, abandonment of the child. Psychological preparation allows you to avoid this, facilitate adaptation, make the process of creating a new family faster and more effective, and get true pleasure from communicating with the child.