What To Do If Your Anxious Child Resists Help

By Author: David Russ, Ph.D.
Total Articles: 14
Comment this article

Why would someone fight getting help? Seems puzzling doesn't it? What would cause a child to push back instead of jump at the chance to get free of fear? Your child may even resist talking about anxiety at times. The more you understand this the easier it is to get past your child's resistance and on to freedom.

Think of anxiety as having two parts. A kid goes to the doctor. In the waiting room are other kids who look miserable and some are crying. Then there is an exam and all of a sudden this gigantic needle is jabbed into their arm. Eeeooowww! Fight or flight RESPONSE! We will call this anxiety part one. Part one is mostly reaction not anticipation.

Fast forward to the next appointment. FEAR! Anticipation! She may not know why exactly, but with all her heart she does not want to go. We will call that anxiety part two. Part two is primarily the source of your child's resistance. Something terrible might happen! Your child has the same fight or flight response without the actual presence of danger. It trumps everything. It is safety or nothing. Your child is not being a "pill", their biology has command.

This ...
... powerful feeling can be very hard to override. Along with that, anxiety just plain feels bad. With some anxiety it doesn't need to be an upcoming shot (or whatever else), just the possibility of awful fear feelings. Sometimes this is described as fear of the fear. If you are getting resistance then your child thinks (right or wrong) that you, someone else or other circumstances are not on the same page with them about the possible danger ahead. They feel like they have to take things into their own hands. So what can you do?

1. Acknowledge their fear. "This is scary isn't it?" Reassure- "We will figure this out, you will get over this. We will do what we have to do." You won't feed it if you acknowledge it--just the opposite. Let them know you are on the same page. You are an ally and not an opponent. Opponent may seem harsh but the fear response has two boxes: safe--dangerous.

2. Fear feels out of control. Can you give them some control? Can you give them some choices? Once I helped a mom with a very shy child. Her child would get visibly upset when adults spoke to him. I told the mom to give him some choices like, "Would you like to talk to someone now or later? What if you took a few minutes and then spoke? How about you talk to 2 people today and that can be all?" It really helped. But this is important--giving control must not be permission to completely avoid.

3. Fear must be faced to be overcome. Avoidance makes it worse. It can be faced all at once or a little at a time. Convey to your child that this is the real way to make it go away. You can say, "I know it seems like avoiding the scary thing works but does it really? You get relief but is the problem better?" Take time to help them work out some steps to face it. If they agree to the steps then you are way ahead.

4. They are stronger than they think. Anxiety makes people feel that they can't take it. Say this gently but say it over and over: "You can take it, you will make it, you are stronger than you think." The thing is--they are taking it. Don't minimize their feelings, maximize their strength. Point out every time they solve a problem of any kind. Just because it is complicated doesn't mean they won't beat it.

5. Externalize the fear. Have them give their fear a silly name. Then you can problem-solve about "Mr. Willys". That helps your child see their fear differently and feel less self critical. Notice the difference between, "What can you do about Mr. Willys' sneaky attempts to scare you?" versus, "What can you do to stop being scared?"

Dr. David Russ is a licensed psychologist in private practice in North Carolina. For the last two years, Dr. Russ and Chris McCarthy (PhD candidate), have been developing an innovative treatment program for anxious kids. In seeking help for his own child, Dr. Russ discovered there were almost no media-based resources that specifically spoke to children about anxiety and how to overcome it in an age-appropriate way. The passion and love for their own kids and patients led to the creation of "Turnaround". The professionally produced audio program is based on the science of cognitive-behavioral therapy which has shown conclusive results in successfully treating anxiety. They have added a unique innovation. The science is combined with kid captivating fun, creativity and age-appropriate explanation! A group of kids go on a journey meeting all kinds of curious characters. The steps to overcome anxiety are embedded throughout this fun adventure. It is done with professional actors, artwork and production to keep any child engaged and helped. Information is available at http://www.myanxiouschild.com.
Are you ready to help your anxious child? For more information go to www.myanxiouschild.com This professionally produced audio program is based on the science of cognitive-behavioral therapy which has shown conclusive results in successfully treating anxiety. They have added a unique innovation. The science is combined with kid captivating fun, creativity and age-appropriate explanation! A group of kids go on a journey meeting all kinds of curious characters. The steps to overcome anxiety are embedded throughout this fun adventure.